I have discovered the truth about chainmail bikinis, and it is imperative those wearing such armor do not think about it too hard or they may inadvertently cross the line between Sexy Hero and Homicidal Pervert.
A world where humans have no innate magic but our pets do.
Cat magic is pretty raw and they mainly use it for getting into places they’re not supposed to. They can be trained if you’re patient, and will sometimes do favours for their owners out if the blue, but only if they want to.
Dogs have been bred for specific magic over the centuries and each breed can do certain things. Showing off your magic is an essential part of a dog show.
Horses come in horse, pegasus, and unicorn, each with their own magical talents.
Fuck knows what birds can do, I don’t trust birds.
For an obvious example… dalmatians have been bred for fire magic. A properly trained dalmatian will run into a burning building and all the fires around it will go out. Caution is necessary, of course, because they can also do the opposite. Their favourite toys are often a bit blackened, and puppies must be kept in fireproof surroundings, with extinguishers in easy reach.
The Pekingese’ magic is camouflage - they can change colour to match whatever they touch, whether a blanket, a mossy rock, or even a reflective mirror. This ability originally enabled them to hide in a robe, so their owners could take them into places where dogs were technically not permitted. The classic image of a pekingese is of it sitting outside a building, appearing to be part of the stonework… until it reveals itself to growl at an intruder.
Portuguese water dogs are canine silkies - in deep enough water they transform into curly-haired seals, and when they climb back out and shake off, they turn back into dogs.
Cats are often thought to be selfish and troublesome, to only use their magic for themselves, and for random but odd favours.
This is not the entire truth.
Cat magic is largely Watch and Ward, which is only observable in what does not happen. Cats are known to protect sleeping humans from danger simply by being present, their lamp-like eyes acting as a sort of n’est pas possible upon all possible intruders, from pests to more deadly threats.
Pitbulls over the ages were bred to emit magic to calm children and help them sleep
Collies can multiply themselves for a short time to corral animals
St Bernard’s turn into snow and can feel where an avalanche is going to happen hours before the event
Anatolian Shepherd can shapeshift into other animals around them to blend in
corgi magic is banned in most public areas, and one of the few dog magics not to be demonstrated in show- allowing your corgi to perform magic in public can be punished with up to $1000 in fines, even before the costs of damage to people and property
Golden Retriever magic is sometimes considered “disney” magic, as they typically attract waterfowl and game birds. this is not always the benefit one thinks it would be, as some lines have a penchant for attracting swans! some, however, attract vertebrates of a different sort. one remarkable individual was given an honorary degree in wildlife biology for her prodigious ability to attract frogs and toads, and is currently hard at work in Costa Rica.
no. you must live for her. she demands it of you. how else would you be able to appreciate all these great amphibians she’s finding?
A cat’s protective aura gets stronger in response to affection and respect. If you bond strongly enough with one, you can actually FEEL the magic working, soothing fear and anxiety. They also work in dreams, catching and killing nightmares. Some can do this from several rooms away, while others like to work more closely and will sit on their owners’ chests or heads while they sleep.
Yes please to all of this.
Rat magic: a mysterious multiplication of SOMETHING–food or other valuable resources generally–which can be pretty handy if you don’t mind the nibble marks.
Beagle magic is mostly low-grade telepathy, which is very handy for coordinating a pack hunt, but also makes individual dogs prone to neurosis.
Some cats, like their behaviour of presenting a prey, also sometimes present their owner with a small magical favour. Sometimes this involves a transmuted treat. Sometimes this involves a clumsy owner growing whiskers
What the hell do Corgis do that it is illegal for them to do their magic in public?
we are already living in the cyberpunk future and i know this because within a span of 3 days we went from this tweet:
to thousands of people making phony images and replying to them with their passionate desire to have them as a tshirt to overload the bots with nonsense and junk and send out warnings to shoppers like this:
Holy shit y’all look at the front page of the site right now
Oh my god
Anyway, I just emailed
tips@disneyantipiracy.com
to report the site for very evilly stealing Disney’s IP! Because obviously that is very evil and bad and shit.
I’ve never seen such a perfect example of fighting fire with fire.
